Jan Blachowicz and Amanda Nunes retained their titles while Aljamain Sterling captured the bantamweight belt by disqualification at UFC 259 this weekend, but the big winner of the night was the UFC’s heroic president Dana White, who successfully thwarted the efforts of a very big, very important streamer. White took time in his comments at the event’s post-fight press conference to address the streamer, who backed down under the withering gaze of White and his internet watchdogs.
“Let me tell you what,” White said, “this goof was talking a real big game about how he was going to share our show with the masses and make it available for free, but then I told my guys, I said you keep an eye on this dummy. If he puts one pixel out of line, he’ll regret it. We’ve got his phones tapped. We’ve got his internet watched. We’ve got his parents kidnapped. Try me. And what did he do? He took down his entire streaming site and replaced it with this letter.”
Dear Mr. Dana White, sir,
I am so sorry that I ever tried to pirate your shows. Illegally streaming content from a billion-dollar company is truly the most vile of crimes. We streamers are the ones to blame for the low pay of UFC fighters. As you know, the Ultimate Fighting Championship is the world’s greatest fighting promotion that is, was or ever shall be. You are a strong and handsome man, and any woman should be lucky to be in your presence. You are not sweaty and weird and overcompensating at all, unlike those media goofs who spend all day trying to destroy the sport you single-handedly built. You are my true hero.
Anthony P. Streamer
Pressed for more information on the identity of the streamer, White said we don’t know him, because he lives in Canada.