Authorities Baffled as Insecure Man Rants for Hours About Guard Pullers

Police were called to the Egg Harbor Kroger Monday, where Johnathan Perrano was found howling at a package of diapers about the impropriety of “boot scooting.” It’s believed that the man, himself a fully grown adult, was driven into a state of rage at the sight of students at a nearby martial arts academy practicing their hobby in a way he found to be insufficiently manly, and spent several hours criticizing the “little bitch” behaviors of passersby. Perrano was subdued by officers who gang tackled him to the ground, violently wrenched his arm and dug their knees into his back and head. Perrano offered his floor-muffled congratulations to the officers for their tactics before being brought to the station for processing.