Fans Shocked to Learn World Champion Not a Social Sciences Scholar

Hard to argue when you’re sleeping. Checkmate.


Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu students around the world were surprised to discover that a dominant grappling champion might not also be an expert on all other topics, from the unhoused population to taxation and spending. The fans had previously been operating on the assumption that a dominant back attack was the key to understanding complicated issues like racial bias within police forces and environmental policy, before suddenly realizing, as one, that there was actually no correlation at all.

“Gordon has just always seemed like somebody who really knew what he was talking about,” said Cory Johnson, who has been planning to take his first class at a local MMA school for the last 17 months. “When I would see him show up in the comments to call his haters socialists and challenge them to a match, I’d think, that’s clearly a guy who understands the nuances of the violence in Palestine, and immediately change my opinion to match his.”

While the fans admitted that being an elite submission artist had no bearing on ones ability to understand gender dynamics or educational policy, they were still pretty sure it made you the most reliable source on masks and vaccinations in a pandemic.

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