By Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu coach John Danaher has announced the dissolution of his competitive grappling team, the Danaher Death Squad, flabbergasting those who thought that a room full of big egos and bigger mouths would continue on indefinitely without incident. The break-up brings an end to an unprecedented period of countless professional successes and even more-countless embarrassing Instagram beefs and viral videos of grown men slapping each other.
“My friend Rhys thinks they’re breaking up because everyone on the team got tired of Danaher’s empty philosophizing and weird decision to wear a rash guard everywhere he goes,” hypothesized purple belt Kelly Kendricks. “Personally, I think it’s probably a result of Gordon being full of the most toxic shit becoming as literal as it is figurative.”
There is no word yet what this means for the competitive future of the team members, or what is to become of their colonialist playground in Puerto Rico. Fans interested in keeping up to date and hearing any of the latest news first should be on the lookout for Gordon being angry in the comments of literally any Instagram post about BJJ and Garry on Twitter being dangerously horny.
