Man With Tummy Ache Has Strong Opinions on Athletes Not Competing in Unhealthy Circumstances

Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu competitor Gordon Ryan, who recently retired from the sport citing health concerns, expressed his belief that Simone Biles withdrawing from the gymnastics competition over health concerns was “soft as shit.”

Ryan, an expert on soft shit having been forced to end his competitive career because of gut dysbiosis, cited his unique ability to understand the emotional strains placed on Biles due to his record of performances as an individual on the world stage, which is self-evidently entirely comparable to the experience of being so dominant at a sport that officials openly refuse to score your efforts fully for fear it will force other world-class athletes to injure themselves trying to keep up with you while also carrying the expectations of an entire nation through multiple Olympic cycles and being the most recognizable victim of a widespread sexual assault scandal in which the national federation you are being asked to risk serious injury for spent decades protecting and enabling your predator as he took advantage of underage girls placed in his care.

Ryan, who recently fled the United States to play colony camp in Puerto Rico and is a proud anti-masker and anti-vaxxer, also felt that Biles’ decision to not perform dangerous vaults while experiencing a loss of bodily-awareness in the air in order to win a medal showed an unacceptable level of commitment to self-sacrifice in the name of carrying the load for her fellow Americans.