By In perhaps the most shocking development in history, famed podcaster and vaccine denier Joe Rogan announced he contracted COVID-19 following a trip to Florida to perform comedy in small spaces in a state currently experiencing a deadly spike in the virus. As the richest man in podcasting, Rogan is sparing no expense in treating his condition. Mixed Martial Artish is thrilled to announce we have obtained exclusive rights to Rogan’s therapy plan and can share it with you today:
- Methocarbomal: As an absolute stallion, Rogan understands the importance of staying relaxed during difficult times, which is why he has been ingesting two spoonfuls of veterinarian-strength topical muscle relaxer each morning since his diagnosis.
- Fleshlight: Three sessions daily to release toxins.
- DMT: Just because.
- Hydroxychloroquine: Purchased in bulk in 2020, consumed in bulk in 2021.
- Tylenol: Where are the studies saying that taking Tylenol doesn’t cure COVID? Exactly.
- Dave’s Secret Sauce: His buddy Dave has created a home remedy that he promises is 100-percent effective at defeating COVID-19. Taken twice daily by injection.
- Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu: No better way to beat a fever than to sweat it out, and no better way to sweat than a two-hour session of live rolls.
- Kettlebells: Physical fitness is the number one way to avoid dying from COVID that you can control and isn’t getting a free and nearly-100-percent successful shot.
- Calamine Lotion: In order to treat the uncomfortable sensation in his lungs, Rogan had a friend drown him in a tub of calamine lotion to coat his lungs with soothing lotion before performing CPR.
- Time Rewind: To improve the rate of treatment he received, Rogan followed each session with three laps around the podcasting studio counterclockwise while shouting “91-DIVOC” in order to unwind time and space and cram all of his treatments into a two hour window.
- Black Rifle Coffee Company Enema: This is just because it’s a weekday, if Rogan is being honest.
- One Hour Set at The Ice House: Emotional healing is as important as physical healing, which is why Rogan made sure to keep his planned one hour feature at the Ice House, after a short plane ride from Texas.
- Monoclonal Antibody Treatment: The therapy that is proven to be so effective, but also so expensive, it is currently reserved for those presenting symptoms as a near-guarantee of avoiding more serious developments. Obviously unrelated to how well Rogan is feeling. Feel free to omit.
So, there you have it, the ironclad COVID treatment of our nation’s greatest thought leader. Make sure you pass it on to Grandma immediately!
