America’s Living Presidents to Commemorate 20th Anniversary of 9/11 with Memorial Services, Solemn Pronouncements, Boxing Commentary

As the United States of America prepares to commemorate the 20th anniversary of the tragic events of September 11th, its living commanders-in-chief have announced their plans to mark the occasion through visits to memorials, quiet reflection, public pronouncements and slapping on a headset to provide alternate commentary for a boxing match between two former combat sports title holders. The attacks, which directly killed nearly 3,000 civilians in the United States and triggered a “war on terror” which added an additional estimated 360,000 civilian casualties in Iraq, Afganistan and whichever surrounding countries found themselves beneath a drone, call for our leaders to look inward and assess their own failings and how they contributed to the tally, express the appropriate levels of contrition and grief, and offer their opinion of how the 58-year-old Evander Holyfield will handle the pace and agility of Vitor Belfort, the chemically-youth-enhanced 44-year-old former UFC champion. With so much pain and destruction carrying forth from that fateful day, the 20th anniversary stands to be a day Americans meet with grief, trauma-induced stress and pulse-pounding excitement as two former champions seek to restore themselves to combative glory in Florida, the only state Florida-enough to have them.