The world of mixed martial arts, often considered the cleanest of all sports, was rocked to the core over the weekend with the revelation of a match-fixing scandal on par with the famous Chicago Black Sox and Italian Calciopoli scandal. Following a Friday appearance on the Verbal Tap Podcast by famed martial arts knower Bobby Ingram, CEO of Mixed Martial Artish Enterprises, in which he offered his certified stone-cold lock predictions for this past weekend’s UFC 266 card, fans were shocked as six of the fighters Ingram picked failed to get their hands raised at the end of the night. Faced with no other explanation than obvious cheating and scumbaggery, calls for federal investigations started as soon as the first bout of the night, when Jonathan Pearce dominated Omar Morales en route to a second-round submission victory.
“I think it’s pretty obvious to anyone with eyes what happened here,” Ingram said at the conclusion of the event. “One of two things is true. Either making your fight selections based on your desire to make a Mortal Kombat joke or a fighter’s similarities to a bit character on The Office is a bad way to make picks, or there is a conspiracy which goes to the very top of the sport based on silencing me and my website. I think it’s clear which one it is.”
It’s not currently known who was involved in getting to the fighters who took dives or how much they paid them to do so, though Ingram was quick to point the finger at “that rat bastard Kevin Phillips,” who very-coincidentally managed to correctly pick nine fights, giving him a two-fight victory in the two prognosticators’ competition. Other strong contenders for culpability include the secret lizard government that rules from the shadows and those cowards in the mainstream MMA media intimidated by the hard-hitting news available on MixedMartialArtish.com every day.