Former UFC Welterweight Champion B.J. Penn, last seen in the Octagon on a seven-fight skid against UFC competition and outside the Octagon on a one-fight losing streak to local drunks, announced his plans to continue his run of cringe-inducing failure by running for governor of Hawaii in 2022. The former fighter, whose record also includes a restraining order for sexual and physical abuse of a partner, a DUI arrest and a media site built on the hard work of constant plagiarism, is now ready to enter the political sphere to ensure that there is positively no shred of a positive memory from his fight career that comes to mind when you hear his name.
“I’m going to be the aloha candidate,” Penn said in announcing his candidacy, which involved leaning heavily into anti-anti-COVID measures. “Aloha to COVID. Aloha to health. Aloha to happiness!”
Penn’s policies would surely see Hawaii, currently mired in 49th on the deaths-per-capita table with a death rate higher only than Vermont and barely one-sixth as high as free-AF Mississippi, shoot up the charts if there was a snowball’s chance in Honolulu of him still running by election day, let alone winning. It is not yet known how Penn will respond to his inevitable failure, but it’s expected he will look to move up and run for President in 2024.