Ill Man With Limitless Access to Medical Care Consults TV Personality Famous for Shouting While People Eat Animal Balls

In news which could only be predicted if you’ve watched or heard anything related to the UFC over the last 20 months to 20 years, UFC President Dana White announced this week that he and his entire family have contracted the COVID-19 virus. Faced with a potentially fatal virus for himself and his closest familial associates, White, who possesses both the money and connections to contact and seek treatment from the greatest medical minds in the country, immediately called full-time podcaster and part-time Jiu-Jitsu player, pot smoker and nazi platformer Joe Rogan, who famously managed the virus with every treatment known to man and horse other than the one which would have prevented him from getting it in the first place. After following Rogan’s orders to a T, White confirmed that he is currently free of worms, riddled with COVID and questioning the veracity of the moon landing.