MMA Defeated by Skiing in Shock Upset for “Sport With the Worst Penis Injury This Week” Crown

Pictured: Lindholm keeping his legs together to not lose the damned thing.

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In a stunning development, the sport of skiing has toppled mixed martial arts off of its long-established pedestal atop the Todger Trauma Table, or Staff Stomping Standings for our American readers. It was a perfect storm with MMA putting on a poor, almost overconfident showing, with less than one dick-kick per eight bouts across all promotions, and no bouts facing so much as a no contest or disqualification. Skiing, in turn, played an absolute blinder in conjuring up their entry “man freezes his penis off coming in 28th place.”

“It’s pretty shocking,” said MMA fan Chaz Brently, “I guess you always feel like you’ve got a ‘dude kicked so hard he’s dry heaving’ in your back pocket until you don’t. More power to skiing, that’s a hell of a showing. I mean, did you hear where ‘the part when he couldn’t feel his penis’ was the HIGH point for the frozen penis experience? Gnarly.”

While gracious in defeat, mixed martial artists stated their unified determination to win back their title. Several gyms have announced plans to give inside thigh kicks “a hard green light” in sparring this week to tilt the tables back in the sport’s favor.

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