Ask Artish: My Prominence as a Professional Athlete Keeps Outing My Racist Partners

Help for our anonymous racist-dating reader.

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Dear Mixed Martial Artish: Dating can be hard, especially when people on the internet keep calling all of your partners racist. Even when they have a perfectly good explanation, like how it would be impossible to cover up a swastika tattoo when it’s a full square inch in size, or how it’s okay to use gross generalizations because my opponent committed a foul which is something only fighters from a certain country ever do in MMA, the woke mob keeps coming for them. I have a very prominent promoter where my performance is broadcast around the world every time I fight. How do I stop this from happening?

Knocking Groins with Bigots

Ask Artish: Hello, Knocking! I have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is the solution is simple. The bad news is you’re not going to like it. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop fucking creeps. Not only will this solve your problem with the woke mob who think nazis are bad, it also means fewer racists and predators getting laid, which is a communal good. Since I understand this is a new concept for you, I provided three questions you can ask yourself to determine whether you should be concerned you might be fucking a creep:

  • Am I dating someone who has nazi tattoos?
  • Am I dating my coach?
  • Am I dating a mixed martial artist?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be dating a creep. Dump them, find a new partner who doesn’t talk about “the great replacement,” and your problems with the PC-masses will disappear!

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