Pro Fighter Still Waiting for the Science on Efficacy of This Lunch Sandwich

Don’t want to rush into putting just anything in your body.

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Professional Mixed Martial Artist Larry Michaels, whose stomach growled audibly throughout a two-hour fight team session, is pushing back on teammates’ requests that he enjoy the healthy and delicious sandwich freely available to him for his lunch. Michaels, who feels the risks of not eating have been broadly overblown with many deaths attributed to a lack of food actually being from unrelated causes like malnutrition and exhaustion, said he respected others’ decision to eat a sandwich, but that he wasn’t comfortable consuming the tomato, bread and other components without full FDA approval.

Teammates noted that all the components of the sandwich have been heavily regulated and approved by the FDA, but Michaels insisted he was still waiting for more information, and that he wasn’t worried about the risk of starvation since he takes “a shitload of shakes and supplements that are fucking loaded with healthy shit.”

Attempts to appeal to his sense of collective duty, citing the multiple times a weakened Michaels has passed out mid-lift during a takedown resulting in dangerous falls for his partner, have been unsuccessful at instigating even a small nibble.

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