Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu world champion and Doctor of Psychology Gordon Ryan shared his clinical findings on mental health, weakness and bitch-ass pussies this week, fully refuting the existence of depression, beneficial therapy or human compassion. “As the most important and representative person in the world, I understand that my experiences are all experiences and my knowledge is all knowledge,” Gordon wrote in his doctoral thesis. “If other worse things exist, your bad things don’t matter. Fact. Literally nobody on this planet cares about your problems, and nobody you love wants to hear about them, attempt to help you deal with them in any way or offer you any kind of comfort or assistance when you are struggling. If you kill yourself, you are a coward. Especially my friend.”
Gordon also noted that most depression is actually just first world problems of people who don’t know better because they’ve never built a colonizer compound with their friends from which they can observe the lives of poverty stricken communities, before signing off with an indirect call for those reading the paper to harass a female critic perpetuating the myth of solutions that aren’t just shooting up and lifting your way through your troubles until you’re not even sad about your very bad poops anymore.