‘I Have a Degree in Journalism,’ Thinks Jon Anik While Completing Eighth Ad Read for “Cocaine Bear”

*Simon & Garfunkel intensifies*

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“Cocaine Bear — Only in theaters!” Jon Anik exclaimed for the eighth time in one UFC card, his words free but his mind unable to escape thoughts of years spent studying journalism and politics to hone and refine his skills. Consciousness wandering down hypothetical roads left untraveled and where they might have led. Perhaps he could have broken a major scandal. Rooted out corruption and laid it bare before the public to expose wrong-doers to consequence for their actions. Maybe he’d have still found broadcasting. Became the host of his own prime time show, helping to guide public thought with coverage of the most discussed stories in the world. Won a Pulitzer. An Emmy. Both?

“This round break brought to you by PRIME, the official sports hydration drink of the UFC!”

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