Submissive Grappler Loses 487th Consecutive Competitive Roll

“Oh, heavens! I have left my neck so terribly undefended!”

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Continuing an impressive run of competitive failures, submissive grappler James Reed again succumbed to an opponent’s choke-based assault in an end-of-class roll Tuesday night. Reed, who is still yet to have implemented any effective offense to a submission-generating end in over seven months of training, has shown an impressive level of stick-to-itiveness to continue with a sport with which he so clearly struggles.

“Geez, he’s a frustrating one to train,” Black Belt Pat Kepler said. “I don’t know where this mental block is in his game comes from but it’s like, you teach him to defend a kimura and he’s doing it perfectly by the end of the first class. You show how to peel hands and it’s as if he heard the opposite of everything you told him.”

Despite his shockingly-poor record in live application, Reed remains a constant on the mats, rarely missing a class since enrolling in the academy last year. Although he has yet to achieve his first win, Reed maintains a positive and upbeat attitude — “I go into every roll expecting it to go my way, no matter who I’m against.”

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