By The big four of American sports are no more, with the organizations announcing in a joint release that they could no longer ignore the reality of their complete and irretrievable audience loss since the debut of Dana White*’s Power Slap at the start of 2023. Although the leagues fought bravely against the new titan, with each managing to award an additional and final championship since Power Slap arrived on the scene and immediately stole over 93% of their audience, they were forced to acknowledge that the war has been lost.
“The days of traditional team sports are in the past,” said MLB commissioner Rob Manfred in the press release. “We looked at our social media numbers and even if we combined them all together we touch barely 1/10th of the impact of Power Slap, to say nothing of our middling and underperforming sports video game licenses.”
The release, signed by all four league commissioners, was followed shortly thereafter with a joint statement from each of the four leagues’ players associations expressing their sadness at the lost sports but also excitement at the new opportunity this opens for athletes of those sports in the world of competitive slapping. While the associations’ statement acknowledged it may take several years for their players to be ready to compete with the raw athleticism and highly-refined skillset of professional slapping, they were optimistic that upwards of a half-dozen players may be able to crack into the middle-ranks of the combat sport eventually.
* – who once got caught on camera in a club being physical with his wife then slapping her twice
